Haikuesday

My stepdaughter Becky started it. One day, on her Facebook page, she posted a haiku, calling it Haiku Tuesday. I didn’t know it then, but it was the beginning of an era.

Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with very specific parameters. It is a three-line poem, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five again in the third. Often, they reflect thoughts on nature or other deep truths. Mine are usually just sarcastic. An early version of haiku that’s just my style caught my eye. I’ve seen it in far too many places to know where it originated:

Haikus are easy.

But sometimes they don’t make sense.

Refrigerator.

The New York Times posts a blog that included a full page of cat haiku. This was my favorite:

You must scratch me there!

Yes, above my tail!

Behold, elevator butt.

Anyway, I began following Becky’s example by posting my own haikus each Tuesday. At some point, I changed it from “Haiku Tuesday” to, simply, “Haikuesday”.  I received so many “likes” that it encouraged my amateur endeavors, and a poet (or a monster) was created. 

What follows are some haikus I was able to find from my old Facebook posts. I’ve tried to group them by category, for posterity… and believe it or not, I’ve spared you from plenty of them…

Some haikus were inspired by my aging, menopausal body. Or by looking in a mirror:

Wake. Must pee. So cold.

Back to bed. Cozy. And then -

Hot flash! Covers off!

Why am I awake?

Alarm's not til 6:15!

Bad dream. Hot flash. Shoot.

I used to believe

errant, scraggly eyebrow hairs

just grew on old men.

So hot and sticky

my sports bra tried to kill me.

Contortions. More sweat.

Orthotics still squeaking.
Blaringly loud this morning.
Powder didn't help...

I miss Two Buck Chuck.
I miss sugar. But I won't
miss this muffin top.

It's 4:42

We're eating dinner right now.

Yes. We are old farts.

I see my own face
reflected in my phone's screen.
Huh. Who's that old broad?

Haikus inspired by sleep deprivation:

Sleep has been fleeting.

Guess I better learn to nap

so no one gets hurt.

Alarm?? Already???
Hardly slept a wink. Today,
caffeine is my pal.

I can't fall asleep.

That alarm will ring early.

Haiku doesn't help.

Napping's hard for me.

That was a great one! No. Wait. 

Just a short night's sleep.

My mom used to say,
"When you're tired, don't droop -- just add
a bit more makeup."

Real-live, true-to-form haikus often reflect on nature. This is probably my most non-sarcastic, legitimate effort:

Out of the ashes,
Coincidental beauty.
Forest fire sunrise. 

Here are some more — with my own spin — on nature:

Chance of rain today:

One hundred percent. Yay! But

drivers will be lame.

Morning fog gives way

to nourishing, warm sunlight.

Yet... car a/c broke...

This morning, God made
a cotton candy sunrise
worth waking up for!

This is pure madness.
So cold in Redondo Beach
I can see my breath.

I caused today's rain.
Yesterday I washed my car.
You're welcome, SoCal.

The wind's a bummer.

Tent flapping wildly. ALL. NIGHT.

Today's forecast? Wind.

It's gorgeous and hot.
No one wants to hit the beach?
Countdown to summer.

I do not like wind.
Wind makes me feel all antsy.
Careful, hummingbirds!

Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah June Gloom blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah

This spring, while camping near Malibu, we took a brief foray onto the pier. In a swanky shop there, I spotted a sweater that sported a $1200 price tag:

Malibu shopping.
One sweater can feed nations.
Take me back to camp!

Sometimes, my haiku elicits responses in kind from my friends. One winter, I was bemoaning a particularly cold snap of weather (cold here in So Cal being, probably, around 50 degrees). Here’s what I wrote:

Are you kidding me?
Am I in Siberia?
Where is that sweatshirt...?

I got several haiku replies. Trevor, in Scotland, quipped:

What is the problem?
Come here and live in Scotland.
Just bring a good coat.

Julia (a local friend) added:

My tortoise is cold.
The answer might be fresh hay.
Timothy it is.

Jenny, in South Carolina, wrote:

It is so hot here
I would like to trade with you
Where is my winter?

Another “audience participation” haiku happened when I misfired:

Remember that time

I posted a haiku, but

it was Monday? Derp.

My friend Craig commented:

There is a product

Many people like to use

Called a calendar

Remember the kerfuffle that was sparked by Starbucks that December when they changed their cups to plain red, instead of bearing symbols of winter? A bunch of lunatic Christians raised an outcry, claiming that “Starbucks is anti-Christmas”. I posted this:

Hey, "Christians"? Hi there.
Please stop it about Starbucks.
You make us look dumb.

More holiday haikus:

It's St. Patrick's Day!

I'm pretty certain Patrick

never did haiku.

If only this gym

didn't close for the next week

I'd drink more egg nog.

So Daddy just read

"'Twas the night before Christmas. .."

Philbin Tradition...

And regarding Trader Joe’s Wintry Blend coffee (used to be called “Christmas Blend”, but who’s keeping track?):

"Past Doreen" is smart.

At Christmas, she bought extra.

Thank you, Past Doreen.

A new smartphone evoked strong emotions that had to make it into a few haikus:

My new phone woke me.
Not by making noise, but just
by being awesome.

Left phone at chorus.
Haiku's not wordy enough
to express my pain.

My phone's back with me.
Hush now. There, there... all is well.
Yup. I've gone mental.

Thought I left phone home.
Then I found it in the trunk.
Oh, my sweet preciouussss.

Here I’ve captured some observations about “The Last Dog I’ll Ever Own”:

Dark. Early. Cold fog.
Even the last dog I'll own
didn't want to rise.

Dog likes to lick feet.
Brian and Jen think it's gross.
Me? Hey... foot massage.

Dog twerks while he poops.

Why? Why must I watch him poop??

I know... TMI.

A fly's in the house.

How do I know? My last dog

hides under my bed.

Today my kitty
Turns nineteen years old. Let's hope
Bingley won't do that...

We occasionally have the fortune of a free day at Disneyland, thanks to some friends who are cast members. Here’s my favorite Disney-themed haiku:

Special Haikuesday!!
The Happiest Place On Earth
awaits us -- WOO HOO!!

As a homeschooler, I introduced my daughter Jennifer to haiku at a young age. One day, as we were sitting in the car, waiting forever for a woman to vacate a parking space, I composed this haiku on the fly:

This woman can’t drive.

She drives like a bulldozer.

Smile at the lady!

Jennifer ended up doing a speech in her public speaking class on haiku. In it, she made up a haiku about me:

Mom is very mean

She makes up some mean haikus.

Stop Mommy. Please stop.

Here’s the link to her whole speech - https://youtu.be/Jy12oYd2KQ0

Other homeschool-related haiku:

Daughter has a cold.

Homemade biscuits, junk TV,

priceless day at home.

Haircut today - yyyeeesss!
Then off to homeschool beach day.
Heat is my Prozac.

Since it's first beach day,
my teen thinks it is summer.
Still in bed. Homeschool.

When you are fifty,

Don't goof around in the store.

Huge knot on my shin. 

(I blame homeschooling for me chasing my teenage daughter around the store with a shopping cart. Crashed into a post.)

Off to jump more hoops

at community college.

Lord, help me be nice.

Our last WISH picnic.

This year is filled with "last things".

Breathe... Pray. New season...

For Lent this year, I gave up posting anything on Facebook other than a daily “God sighting”, with the hashtag #GodofMyEverything. Since a few Haikuesdays fell during the Lent period, I posted these:

Hardly slept last night.

Hot flash. Cat butt on my face.

"Yet will I praise Thee."

So, how to combine

Jesus with haiku? Easy --

God of My Haiku.

Hmm. Fit "hashtag God
of my Everything" in
to a haiku? Done.

Thinking up a new haiku each week isn’t easy. I can’t hit them all out of the park. Here was a Hail Mary clunker:

Oops! It's Haikuesday. 

Haven't done a haiku yet.

Shoot. Um, okay. Here.

Two offerings in honor of my husband Brian:

My man is soooo hot -
I just made the bed, and HA!
His pillow's still warm.

Twenty years?? Really??
Happy anniversary,
my dear Imzadi.

My more deeply philosophical haikus:

Yoga this morning
awakened in me deep truth:
It's time to vacuum.

TODAY, I CHOOSE JOY.
Janel sets great example.
So, JOY! (...and coffee)

Sometimes it's better
To ask forgiveness rather
than for permission.

So tired and crabby.
Mission for today: think first,
speak words of kindness.

The rest of these sort of defied a category, but I like them, so I’m just gonna leave them here:

Smoothie on the floor.
Sticky mess. Broken glass. Guess
I'll have cereal.

Left home for the day.
Would have been way better if
I had brought my purse. :-/

NOTHING'S working right.
Maybe... Jesus comes today?
Better stop cussing.

Did some gardening.
Branch cut my arm. To be fair,
it was self-defense.

Splashed on toilet seat?
Please wipe it up... you dang pig.
Signed, The Next Person.

I talk a good game.

Not scared of spiders - that is,

'til web smacks my face.

If dream was correct,

having tiger for a pet

would be frustrating.

There are few things a 

peanut butter and honey

sandwich can't improve.

Smothered by my pets.

Can't get up to make dinner.

Send peanut butter.

Jennifer tells me

my Dr Who intake is

dangerously low.

When you're really tired,

so tired you miss the off ramp?

Yeah. I hate that too.

Because they’re so cool,

They deserve their own haiku.

#alpacas 

(My friend Kim gave me props for using # as a two-syllable word)

This blog, by the way, was delayed, first by my own idiotic neglect, and then by a formatting war with Blogspot. I wanted to post it on an actual Haikuesday, but after spending a couple of weeks finding old haikus, and several hours putting it together, my computer turned off unexpectedly. When I plugged it back in, most of my work was gone. For some reason the auto-save feature failed me. Gah. So I posted this final haiku after wailing at my misfortune, blaming others even though they might have been trying to help  (sorry, Brian), and sulking off to bed:

Working on my blog.

Laptop battery just died.

Lost hours of work. Crap.

Then, I finally got it all into Blogspot, posted it, and found that all my formatting — putting haikus into neatly indented sections — was blown away. Then, I re-formatted it all by hand and found that Blogspot completely blew apart huge sections, even removing whole lines of my haikus. Son of a nutcracker!!!

Yes. A fourth attempt

to publish this [blanking] blog.

Four's a charm? Hoping...

Jennifer's Graduation Ceremony - Our Speeches.

And, just like that, we're all done!

The high school graduation ceremony we attended was part of the California Homeschool Network's annual EXPO -- a weekend convention loaded with things like seminars, spelling bees, a room dedicated to the teens so they had a place to hang out, a teen dance, and loads more. Whole families routinely cram into hotel rooms, often armed with hotplates and other cooking materials, to get through the weekend as economically as possible.

There were 17 total graduates, including Jennifer, this year. Each family was allowed a maximum of five minutes to present their child's diploma and to say a little something about their journey. They included a slideshow of pictures we all submitted - I, unlike several parents, did not include a picture of Jennifer as a toddler sitting on a potty!

Sue Patterson, an author and speaker in the homeschool community, spoke, and then it was our turn.

Here's what Brian and I said. I went first:

Jennifer, today marks the end of a season for us and for you. We've given you love, nurturing, and just enough dysfunction to make you funny! You've taught me so much about life and love. Being your teacher has been joyful, dramatic, hilarious, hugely rewarding, and it has proven to be both a giant blessing and the source of many lessons for me from God.

We did without a lot of things as a family in order to make sure one of us stayed home to raise Jennifer. We kind of stumbled into homeschooling. We figured, if I was going to be home all day anyway, well, why not? We've never regretted it for a moment. Homeschooling has shaped and defined me as much as it has our daughter.

One of the things I'd often say, half-jokingly, as Jennifer went off for a play date or any activity where she'd be away from me was, "Bring honor to the family."   

Jennifer, we want you to know you've nailed it. We are so very proud of you. Your life radiates beauty, passion and compassion for others. You are faithful and thoughtful, and whatever path you choose in life, we know you're going to make the world a little better with your special mix of weird and wonderful!

Then, Brian had his turn:

Doreen and I both share a rather odd sense of humor about a lot of things. Having a child together meant that that child was genetically predisposed to sharing in some aspects of that "odd-ness". I'm sure many of her friends would agree.

When Doreen says we "did without" as a family, that's not just the three of us, but it includes Jennifer's big sister, Becky. It was tough trying to make things work financially and still give Jenn a solid education. Becky's presence and influence also schooled Jennifer in other aspects of our humor and "odd-ness" and the value of sticking to something in order to make it happen.

Throughout Jennifer's school years, there were a lot of tears during math lessons, some during small arguments about priorities, even some periods during which I wasn't sure that homeschooling was the right thing to do. Overall, I can say from experience that the result is totally worth it.

The South Bay Homeschool Network (holla!), WISH (holla!) and EXPO provided many friends encountering the same struggles and some who'd been past all that. Seeing how others did it and even how we might do things differently was highly informative and valuable.

They say "it takes a village" – and it truly does. Jennifer's friends and experiences with these groups have strengthened not only her social skills and knowledge of other ways of doing things, but they've served to strengthen her resolve in other areas of her life, as well.

Jennifer, this is really the first of many different milestones you'll achieve in your life. Every time one challenge ends, there's another to begin - sometimes, you even have to start over from scratch. But I'm confident in your ability to meet those challenges. I'm very proud of the young woman you've become and I’m proud to be your dad. Congratulations, my sweetie! 

Jennifer followed up with her own brand of humor. She said something like, "I'd like to thank the Academy -- Samuel Cole Academy, that is." She thanked us and acknowledged her grandparents, saying that they would have shown up even if we'd done a private ceremony in our own living room. She said, "I can't tell you how many of my friends asked if that's what we do for homeschool graduation: stand in our living room and do a big ceremony!"

Jennifer was adorable. Her grandparents came out from Michigan to be here, which was amazing (our homeschool on file with the California Board of Education, Samuel Cole Academy, is named after Brian's grandfather. It is a great name, and he was a great guy, so it seemed fitting to preserve his memory this way). Our friends Courtney (from chorus) and Ashley (from church) came to the ceremony, as well as sister Becky, Becky's boyfriend Max and her roomie Natalie. Lots of our homeschool friends attended too, which was really great -- none of them had their own family in the ceremony, so this show of support sort of speaks to how wonderful this community is! She knew a handful of the kids who graduated with her, from different activities through the years.

We went to dinner afterwards at an Irish pub, where Jennifer could enjoy the "food of her people".